Divorce is never easy for anyone going through it. It is a process that can be extremely tough
from start to finish and it doesn’t just end once the paperwork is finalized. The feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, confusion, pain, and self-blame can still linger on for weeks, months, and even years after the divorce. Don’t worry, this is completely normal and you're not alone.
While every divorce is uniquely different. There is always a grieving process that everyone who was involved in your lives as a married couple will have to go through. Even children (if you had children together) will experience emotional highs and lows, as well as their own grief from the loss of a once family unit.
What next… As you and your partner transition into your new lives and new roles as single parents, it can be either extremely rewarding or challenging. A piece of advice I’m sure you will hear a million times over and over again is that it just takes time. Time is always the answer for just about everything. With time things will get easier and hopefully better for everyone involved. Every divorce is different, and every parenting relationship is different post-divorce. I’ve been through this twice now, so I know what it’s like both being a single parent and a stepmom. I’m no expert, but I have learned A LOT with everything I have experienced and been through. Below I have listed the most researched and recognized forms of parenting styles after a divorce. I hope these give a little more insight to help you navigate what style fits the best interest for you, your ex-spouse, and most of all the children involved.
What is Co-parenting?
Co-parenting is a parenting method in which both parents work together to raise their children. It is a collaborative style of parenting that is focused on ensuring a stable, supportive environment for the children. This is because, after a divorce, parents often must find new ways to work together to parent their children.
In their book Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce, Gaies and Morris identify 3 types of co-parenting relationships: Cooperative Co-Parenting, Parallel Co-Parenting, and Encapsulated Co-Parenting.
Cooperative Co-parenting
A cooperative co-parenting style is best for parents who share a very healthy relationship, are able to communicate easily, show respect for one another, are flexible, focus on the well-being of their children, adapt easily to requests for changes in the schedule/routine and resolves conflicts calmly.
Parallel Parenting
Parallel Parenting is used in high-conflict relationships for parents to be able to co-parent their children with minimal or no interaction with each other. With a parallel parenting style communication is often limited and mostly done in writing. Many families in this situation rely on a mediator or a trusted third party for any communication or handoffs of the children from one parent to another. Parallel parenting allows both parents to have a relationship with their child outside of each other. Both parents still play an active role in their child’s life and take part in everyday decision-making processes.
*Parallel parenting plans are a style of parenting that is often highly beneficial for families that are dealing with high levels of conflict.
The Benefits of Parallel Parenting Can Include:
• Conflict is greatly reduced
• Parents limit their contact with each other
• The children's needs are put first
• Boundaries and expectations are clear and strict
“Some might argue that parallel parenting doesn’t benefit a child, or that it creates more stress for kids because it doesn’t encourage a good relationship between parents. The reality is parallel parenting can be beneficial because it prevents conflict in front of the kids” (We Parent).
Encapsulated Co-Parenting
Some parents have such severe levels of conflict after their divorce that even a parallel co-parenting relationship is out of the question. When not managed properly, conflicts escalate. Parents have constant fights, enter into destructive relationships, bring the children in and put them in the middle of their conflict, trash the other parent, try to sabotage the relationship that the child has with the other parent, and don’t abide by preset rules or schedules.
As I have stated, every divorce is different in it’s own way, but it is important to develop the best co-parenting style that works in the best interest f everyone involved. There is no right or wrong or one way fits all co-parenting style.
In Dr. Ahrons’ book, The Good Divorce, she describes these five categories. Each of the descriptions below is condensed from the more complete description in The Good Divorce:
Perfect Pals – In this type of relationship, both parents have either remained friends or have rebuilt their friendship after their divorce. They are conflict free and get along well with each other. They respect each other’s parenting style and will not let any emotion get in the way of positive parenting. This type of relationship is the healthiest for children, but also rare.
Cooperative Colleagues – This is a healthy co-parenting relationship that involves parents being able to cooperate with each other. They may not be friends, but they are able to be friendly and work together for the sake of their children. While conflict may arise from time to time, they are able to reach agreements and avoid arguing in front of their kids. They understand the importance of working together and allow their children ample access to both parents.
Angry Associates – This relationship involves two parents who are angry at each other and allow those feelings to get in the way of good parenting. They are often not able to parent without conflict and end up arguing often. They do not easily compromise, and it is often their children who suffer from their disagreements.
Fiery Foes – One step past Angry Associates, Fiery Foes are so angry with each other that they simply cannot parent. In this relationship, the co-parents are enemies. They often make their children choose one parent over the other. Holidays become a battle rather than a celebration. Children suffer greatly in this type of relationship.
Dissolved Duos – In this relationship, both parents are unable or unwilling to communicate at all with each other. One parent may pick up and leave and let the other parent take on all the parenting responsibilities. Children need access to both parents, so this type of relationship is detrimental to them.
Create a Parenting Plan
Establishing a detailed, clear and concise parenting plan is very important. My recommendation in laying out a successful parenting plan is to first write out everything that you feel is important to be included in it. If you think you and your ex spouse can amicably agree upon a set forth parenting plan together then all hats off to you! It is not the easiest task to take on and usually there are some form of disagreements in the process. If you can’t come to an agreement together, don’t worry, usually the court system or Judge will request that mediation be the next step. A mutual agreement between parents is always preferable to a court-imposed plan. Make sure you do your research on mediators in your area, and/or ask your attorney for their professional recommendation for a mediator. It is important to hire someone who has a good reputation as well as a high success rate in coming to an agreement through mediation.
What is Mediation?
Mediation is a process where an impartial third person, known as a mediator, is appointed by the court to help parties reach a mutual agreement about co-parenting issues (custody and visitation). If both parents can work together amicably, mediation can be successful and in turn will minimize costs in time and money. Resolving what is best for your child by going to trial should be a last resort. Mediation = A Positive Solution
The mediator does not take sides, is not the judge and does not make decisions about what is best for your child(ren). Instead, the mediator helps each person listen to the other’s perspective, communicate about your interests and needs, focus on the needs of your child(ren) and reach a mutually agreeable plan for co-parenting.
Cost of Mediation
The cost of mediation will vary from mediator to mediator. The cost of mediation in turn is less expensive when comparing the amount of time and legal fees involved in the court process.
Important Mediation Info
By law, attorneys cannot be present during custody mediation sessions unless the mediator requests that they be there. Most mediators do not recommend your attorney be present during these sessions anyways. It is a waste of your time and money to have your attorney present during these sessions. However, you have the right to have your attorney review any agreement you reach, prior to signing.
Reaching an Agreement
Your agreement will be submitted to the court attached to other forms, as required by law. If all issues in your case are resolved in your agreement, no further court proceedings are generally necessary. If only some of the issues are resolved by agreement, additional steps in the court process may be needed. When your agreement is submitted, the judge will review it for enforceability and the best interests of your child(ren).
What Should A Parenting Plan Include?
Here are the basics of a good parenting plan. The more complete the plan, the more likely the court is to approve it.
• Primary residence of each child
• Financial support agreement
• Legal and physical custody arrangements
• Daily, holiday and vacation visitation schedules
• Medical and health care decisions
• Shared rights and responsibilities
• Potential parent relocation
• Information-sharing between parents
• Introducing new dating partners
• Religious considerations
• Child care and babysitting arrangements
• Special needs services
• College expenses
• Dietary considerations
• Procedure to change the parenting plan
• Settlement process for future disputes
*For More Tips in Creating a Successful Parenting Plan Check out custodyxchange.com
Steps in Creating a Parenting Plan
Step 1: Determine how you’ll split time with the kids
This involves specifically stating which days your children will be with one parent and which days they’ll be with the other. Your schedule should be detailed with specific dates and times of exchanges. Make sure all holidays with even or odd years are broken down by specific dates and times as well as how communication with the other parent will occur during those times. Some parents like to schedule in yearly vacations with their kids. Even how birthdays will be scheduled and coordinated each year is a good idea, so that each parent is able to have that special day with them. How you split time with your kids is completely up to you and the other parent. custodyxchange.com is a great resource to help with this!
Step 2: Determine the start time and end time for each visit
So there’s no misunderstanding or confusion, a parenting plan should include specific pick-up and drop-off times for each parent. I love how custodyxchange.com lays everything out for you in a very detailed manner.
Step 3: Establish the location for pick-ups and drop-offs
Establish how drop-off and pick-up will be done. It can even be a neutral place. This can be a parking lot in between both homes where the children can quickly move from one car to the other.
It can even be arranged for someone else to shuttle the kids between homes — perhaps a neutral relative or friend.
Step 4: Discuss how you’ll handle cancellations
Cancellations will occur, so outline a plan for handling these situations. Make it crystal clear whether a parent will be allowed to make up their time. If so, the plan should outline when they’re able to do so.
For example, the parent might receive an extra day during the week, or spend an extra holiday or vacation with the child.
Step 5: Create a plan to handle disputes
No plan is perfect, so always have a backup plan, which should state how you plan to effectly handle disputes as they come up. Mediation can even be recommended if a dispute comes up in your parenting plan.
Best Parenting App Recommendation's
Parenting-specific apps like AppClose, OurFamilyWizard, The Family Core, and Amicable can help with communication, but you can also use a shared Google Calendar to fill this need.
Dr. Claire Nicogossian gives us 9 Ways to Co-Parent with Different Parenting Styles.
1. Talk: Parents need to learn to communicate with each other without criticizing or placing blame.
2. Compromise: Learning to be flexible and to compromise is a key strategy for dealing with a co-parent with a different parenting style.
3. United Front: Both parents should support each other in their decisions. If you disagree with something the other parent has set as a rule, then you should discuss this without the children being present.
4. Teach Healthy Ways to Resolve Conflict: Some disagreements can be teaching moments for your children, so be open to talking about some of these issues in front of your children.
5. Parent with Intention: Be willing to adjust your parenting methods as situations change and as children get older.
6. Be a Role Model: Be cognizant of your behavior in front of your children and try at all cost to mimic positive behaviors.
7. Take Care of Yourself: Being well physically and emotionally makes you better able to deal with parenting styles, your children and all that issues that the divorce has surfaced.
8. Educate Yourself on Parenting Styles and Strategies: Learn as much as you can from the experts so you can be at your best.
9. Understand How Your Childhood Impacts Your Parenting Style: Examine the way your parents parented and try to incorporate positive methods into your parenting style. Leave negative methods out of the mix. It is also helpful to understand how your ex was parented in order to give you a more comprehensive perspective.
Top Books for Co-parenting
The Co-Parenting Handbook
The age of your kids is an important factor when creating a new co-parenting family structure, and The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation by Karen Bonnell provides advice and tips for kids of all ages. It offers concrete ideas like a shared list of co-parenting goals (with a sample list included) and co-parenting communication guidelines, but it also addresses the emotional impact of separation, conflict, grief, and recovery on kids.
Mindful Co-Parenting
Mindful Co-parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce is written by two clinical psychologists, Jeremy S. Gaies and James B. Morris, which is reflected in their direct yet reassuring style. This easy-to-digest, step-by-step guide is designed to help parents identify their kids' needs and create a comprehensive co-parenting plan that best meets those needs. Many parents will find the guidance on evaluating their conflict level, followed by recommendations on communication based on that conflict level, incredibly useful.
Co-Parenting 101
Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce by Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas is an exhaustive guide to parenting across two households. The chapters "Fifteen Things You May Want to Do (But Must Not Do) as a Co-Parent "and "Fifteen Things You Must Do (But May Not Want to Do) as a Co-Parent" are great levelers when you may be tempted to act in a way that's not in the best interests of your child. And because it's written by a formerly married, co-parenting couple, it hits just the right tone.
Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex
Parenting is hard enough when parents show each other compassion and respect. Co-parenting with someone who's difficult, selfish, and irrational can feel like an impossible task. It might not ever be a walk in the park, but Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex by Julie A. Ross and Judy Corcoran helps make it a little easier. By providing real solutions to tough issues and a range of teaching tools and proven communication techniques, plus a very timely look at how digital forms of communication can be both positive and negative, it's the definitive guide for high-conflict custody situations.
SOURCES:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html
http://modernfamilydynamics.com/forms/Co-ParentingIntl_FiveCategoriesOfCo-Parenting.pdf
https://coparenter.com/blog/how-do-i-coparent-with-a-narcissist/
https://www.detommasolawgroup.com/blog/2020/july/co-parenting-vs-parallel-parenting-which-is-best/
https://www.detommasolawgroup.com/blog/2021/september/how-to-develop-a-parenting-plan/
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/mindful-parenting#key-factors
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